Squash - Third team match report - week one of the season

Third Team Squash Match Report – 1st October 2014 - week One– Wishaw (Away) It hardly seems like a moment ago that the season was ending and we had survived a bruising time in division two. Our reward was to get to do it all over again and this time we have some shiny new players to replace Mathais and Gavin who have done the decent thing and moved up. Gone but not forgotten (I wonder if they will still speak to us now that they are nearly famous?). We started away against Wishaw but playing at Hamilton. Apparently their home balcony was too dangerous due to electrical work being done. The irony of that was not lost as it was at Wishaw where the sparks flew last year as referee (ex-policeman Bobby – herein after called Bobocop) and our own Rahul did handbags at 2 paces. At least we were saved the cold sandwiches that are normal fare at Wishaw and were treated to something sweet yet sour by the Hamilton caterers. Paul Whiteley (AKA Twice Nightly) started in his new slimmed down form, playing at four (against Mark Howells). Mark had just been given coaching by the number 5 of Wishaw (of all people) so we were expecting carnage. Our svelteling started slowly perhaps forgetting he was nearly two stone lighter than last year and lost the first game. It takes time to get used to - does floating. Anyhow the destructive force woke up and won in four after that. My turn next, up against Martin Bradshaw. All shots and guile is Martin but with a body with slightly more broken pieces than a meringue I wondered if he could stand the heat. Is rushing your opponent wrong? I wanted to raise the temperature a bit so I was practically running between points. I will get over my guilt, with therapy and the knowledge of a 3-1 win. The old timers had set it up so it was up to babies to bring home the bacon. It is perhaps a good job we are about to launch a junior section otherwise our youth policy would consist of two guys with a heavy shadow by 5pm and a balding surgeon. Derek Manson went on against Paul Eley of Wishaw. I did think Derek had taken the wearing of his bright red team shirt positively. He seemed to have invested in an entirely matched up outfit. Red and yellow all over the place, - very dashing. His opponent seemed to respond with a bright red headband, worn low down covering the ears (not a problem) and it seemed, his eyes (more of an issue). Derek sealed the points conceding little. I have heard of a red rooster but Derek was more red ruthless. The Dazzler (Darren Cameron) went next, selected at two because of his perceived speed around court. More Flash than Daz I would have thought, but hey it’s easy to blame the parents for a name! Dazzler went up against BoboCop and promptly cleaned up 3 nil. It was all over a bit quick really, mainly because Tony Gibson hadn’t arrived and according to the rules you only have 15 minutes after the end of one game to begin the next. BoboCop was quoting the rules so I checked with Martin Woods (the font of all knowledge) and it was true! I don’t carry our coach around in my bag (in case your were wondering) but he was at Hamilton, playing an English import (that result is another story – but just don’t ask Martin eh!) Tony arrived with his usual cheery smile. “That was a rush” he said, “I only closed up my patient 30 minutes ago”. Apparently he pulled someone’s leg so hard it came off. I looked alarmed and a re-assuring “that was the idea” didn’t help matters. Tony was up against Norman Paterson (Scottish International – over 55) and promptly got humped in the first game. Focus appeared the main issue and our Tone battled back despite some dodgy marking from me. One decision got put to a vote on the balcony and I lost that 1-4 apparently. In the end a 3-2 win for Tony and a great match, lasting the best part of a leg amputation and hip replacement worth of time. I am never talking to Tony again. So, 18-4 and we’re joint top of the league. Sadly, there is only one way you can go from there. Geoff Cordwell - Captain

03/10/2014